My Life; My Healing.....Part II
Teenage through Adult YearsMy teenage years went much better, but I did have some issues. I could forgive my mother, but I couldn't forget. My eating disorder was in full swing by now. It started as a way to get back at my mother, as this was the one thing that really seemed to get to her. After a while, it turned into a control issue...I couldn't control anything around me, but by golly I could control my body! Hmmp! NOT! There came a point when it took control of me. I hid the eating disorder from my dad, step-mom, everyone else around me. Oh, but I was hiding much more. All the pain, all the emotions that I kept locked up I took out on myself. I wasn't what they call now-a-days a "cutter" but I was definitely into abusing myself. I felt I deserved it. I thought every time I did something wrong, or got upset for any reason, I deserved to feel pain. Burns, cuts, bruises, not eating...it all just kept piling up. I didn't have much contact with my mother, but did invite her to some school functions my freshman year of high school, in which case she did show up, drunk and making a scene while disturbing everyone around her. I didn't have many friends, I basically wouldn't allow it, would not allow anyone to get close. I had a lot of friends inside school, but only a few outside of school. My only solace was my music. I became immersed in my music, as a singer, as a performer. I loved performing and competing, it was how I could express myself. And I was damn good at it! I ended up getting a full ride vocal music scholarship at a private college here in Missouri. Broadcast Journalism was my major, with vocal music as a minor. I transferred colleges after my first year so that I could move back home and marry the man that I'd started dating my senior year. I was 19. That marriage started out rough, with him cheating on me within the first few months. When I confronted him, he told me that he wished he'd never married me, that he couldn't stand looking at me, and that he wanted an anulment. I was completely crushed. He did an about-face, and I stayed with him. Foolish me. I thought having a baby would make it better, and for a time it did. But then a new fear immerged. With a baby approaching I became terrified. Terrified that I would be just like my mother. Not so much the alcholol, as I was too petrified to keep any alcholol in the house..but I was terrified that I had some kind of monster within me and I would hurt this child. My beautiful son was born, and the fear eased somewhat until he was about 3 weeks old. He had colic and was constantly screaming. After several hours of trying everything I could, I caught myself starting to shake him! Oh my god! I quickly put him down, and pretty much flipped out. I called my in-laws to come over, and I left the apartment for a while. I'm happy to say, that the "monster" that I thought was in me, never really was. I could never do that...I could NEVER hurt my children! And that day, I resolved that my own children would not go one day without knowing how much I love them! I dropped out of college after my daughter was born. Three semesters to go, but no desire to finish. I stayed with my husband for 9 years. 7 of those years I went through bouts of depression, trying to fight it all, trying to convince myself that I had to stay in the marriage. I began questioning why I married him in the first place. Was it really love, and I just fell out of love with him when he betrayed me? I was ashamed to admit, that wasn't it at all. To give credit to my ex, yes he messed up, but he spent the next 9 years trying to make it up to me, and we never had an issue like that again. But, here it was again...I could forgive, but I couldn't forget. I'm ashamed to admit, that while I thought I loved my ex when I married him....I really didn't. At least not like a husband and wife, but more like a brother or just a good friend. No, I married him because I honestly thought no one else would ever want me and I would be alone. I was in love with the idea of being loved, more than I really was. In the end, we tried marriage counseling, and in the first session, the counselor took a look at my background, with my mothers alcholol problem, and family history of depression...and asked if I needed individual therapy. Ummm..hello? Ya think? Should have happened a long time ago! So I went, and it was pretty much a joke. She told me to write it all out, like I'm writing letters to my mother and uncle. That was pretty much pointless, I just wasn't ready. After the third session, she pretty much told me that she couldn't help me. You see, I'd studied a lot of psychology on my own. I wanted to know why I felt the WAY I felt, and why I reacted to things the way I did. So..I pretty much figured myself out. I did try another therapist a few years later, and it helped a little, but still no real breakthrough. My first breakthrough did not come until after my step-mom committed suicide in 1997. By this time, I looked at her as my only mother figure, and her taking her own life was extremely difficult. My dad had a breakdown shortly after, and I had to commit him to the hospital as well. My final straw, was en e-mail from my mother. By this time, I had 2 children, ages 6 and 8, and she had never met either one of them. She only lived 20 minutes away, and had never taken an interest in seeing them, and I'd really had no contact with her since high school. Out of the blue, I get this e-mail from her telling me that she was divorcing my step-dad, and marrying another man, and she wanted me to be in her wedding! Well, my first therapist wanted me to write a letter, and boy did I! I brought up a lot of things she had done to me in the past, the beatings and emotional abuse. I basically told her that she was never a mother to me. Set aside the physical abuse for a second. I asked her how could any mother tell her child that she should have never have been born, and that she wouldn't amount to anything, and that nobody would want her? I proceeded to tell her that while my step-mom did not know how to be a mother, she tried her best and for that she had my undying love and she was the only mother figure I ever really had. This caused quite a ruckus with my grandparents once again, so grandma (bless her heart) got an earful from me as well, and she learned a lot about her daughter that she never knew. I told her, "I'm sorry, I know she is your daughter and you love her..but I just can't have a relationship with her." Many months went by and I did hear from my mother again. She told me that she was very hurt by that letter, but she'd thought about it a lot, and while she may not remember some of those things, she didn't doubt that they had happened. She didn't admit it, but she didn't deny it all either, which in my opinion was a step in the right direction. She wanted to be a part of my children's lives. I layed some ground rules...1. don't send them presents or money, start by sending them letters, they don't even know who you are! 2. If we ever get together, you'd better be sober! If I smell any alcohol, we're done! No second chances! To this day, we are working on this, and she has been trying, but I will never allow her to be alone with my children. On the marriage front....I realized my husband wasn't right for me. Other than not loving him the way I should love a husband...I couldn't talk to him. He's one of those that doesn't want to hear anything bad...he knows only bits and pieces of my past, never really knew ME. His attitude was, "well, it's happened, and there's nothing you can do about it now." Aside from that, my self image with him was suffering even more. Every time I tried to lose weight, he'd get upset and make it difficult for me to continue. I honestly believe that he wanted to keep me "plump" so that no one else would take an interest, and I would continue to stay with him. None of this was helping me. To this day, my ex and I get along great, and my new husband and him get along wonderfully, almost TOO wonderfully! We never really fought when we were married, well...because if you don't have "anything" you don't really have anything to fight about, do you? I can't say that I regret marrying him because that would be like saying I regret having my children. So no, I do not regret my first marriage. I can't have any more children, so I was blessed with the two that I had. I still had one more barrier to break through, one more thing to confront....my uncle. While I have no idea where he is today, I did the only thing I could think of....I went back to the house where it all happened. Just sitting out in front of that house, brought it all back in a rush. It also somehow unleashed all of the hurt and anger, and as I drove away, I really felt as though I was finally leaving it all behind. I did have two more nightmares after that, but after a week they were gone too. This last hurdle was my victory, and my eyes opened up to everything around me. I have been blessed to have beautiful children, a happy household, and a wonderful new husband to whom I can share anything and everything with. They are all my life, and I cherish them dearly. I don't look back and feel sorry for any of it, or for anything that has happened to me. What's happened is in the past, and I have found true happiness in my life so I'm not sorry. I don't blame God. Most people do this and think if he loved them so much, why would he let it happen? I think there was a purpose for all of it, as I would not be the person that I am today had I not gone through so much. I don't take life for granted, nor do I take my family for granted. I don't use my past as an excuse, but as a REASON. A reason to keep on going, a reason to help other people if I can, a REASON to cherish those close to me!
posted by Wolfie @ 7:21 PM
Comments: 7
